Gravity

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Have you ever thought about gravity? Of course, you haven’t, you’re far too busy, That’s why I’m here. I don’t mean the Sandra Bullock & George Clooney movie as good or bad as that was.

Gravity is a very odd and amazing thing. It seems to have a cumulative effect. As you get older, it makes you shorter. I used to be 5’ 10” now I’m 4’ 8”, no wait, that’s because I’m sat in a wheelchair. It does make you shorter though.

Then there’s the effect on your hair, especially for men. Women seem immune. It pulls the hair of the top of our hair onto the sides. I know that doesn’t happen for all men. Maybe it has something to do with the extra testosterone some of us have interacting with gravity. I much prefer the idea of it meaning I am more macho rather than more decrepit. It doesn’t stop there though, hair is pulled, by gravity, out of every orifice; well nearly. Our ears and noses become hairy.

Why is it that when you are a teenage boy you are desperate for one or two hairs on your chin. Then as a man you are fighting a losing battle against a forest of hair. I know that many men give up and decide to join Santa Claus. An aside, I’m sure that the reason Santa wears a hat is that he only has hair on the side of his head. Gravity is also to blame for the paunch that gives us men a Santa Claus tummy. It’s not beer or over eating. Not sure why it’s called a beer belly; should be renamed a gravity belly.

We buy such a range of trimmers; the Ear and Nose Strimmer 3000, the Wonder Trim 2040, the Hairbegone 1020, the Trimme Ace, the AH1JE000 (it’s a Chinese import), yet we are still struggling to keep up.

Now I know women have a hard time too, but you have lots of articles and magazines about that. This is about men (I feel like ‘men’ should have been said really deeply). Yes, let’s hear a big ahhhh!

Gravity also has an increasing effect on agility as you age. That’s why younger people, here I will include men and women, get slower as they age. You see it’s not your fault that you can no longer run as fast, jump as high, kick a ball as far, win at tennis, play chess, oh that’s not gravity. Although maybe gravity affects our brains too. All the water in our bodies gets pulled to our feet. Our brains get starved of water and we become less intelligent.

You see before long I am going to blame everything about old age on gravity. There will be ant-gravity marches. I wonder if the sight of so many people floating down Pall Mall in space suits will get the governments attention.

I’d better stop now before I say anything silly.

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