Letter to MasterChef Producer

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We have been watching old and new series of BBC’s MasterChef. We noticed that in the later parts they tend to have the finalists cook for various people in interesting settings. This prompted my extremely serious letter to the BBC:

Dear MasterChef Producer,

We are big fans of your show and wanted to be a help with the 2022 series. It must be hard finding new and interesting venues and people to cook for in the finals. We have a solution: Come to our house and cook for us. There are many reasons this is a good idea. We like food and yet we can’t afford to eat the kind of luxury food that is featured on your show. The idea of trying it is wonderful. It would be novel and different. I am disabled; that must tick a few boxes for you. Just imagine how much joy you would bring to me and my wife. We are licence fee payers, so you’d be giving something back. We enjoy food and are very vocal about it, so would make great judges.

There are one or two minor issues to bear in mind when you do arrange to come here:

1/ I don’t really like fishy things. So let the prawns, crabs, lobsters, muscles, scallops, oysters and other sea life, live out their lives in the ocean, in peace. That includes all fish unless it’s battered and deep fried with a plate of chips.

2/ Deer can stay in the forest; I don’t really want Bambi on my plate. You don’t fool me by calling it venison.

3/ Partridges look great but not next to a potato. Leave them in a pear tree ready for Christmas.

4/ Pidgeon’s are a nuisance in Trafalgar square it’s true; but is eating them the best solution? Couldn’t you just put-up anti-Pidgeon devices?

5/ Quails and their eggs; They sound a bit fancy for me. Stick with chicken.

6/ Sweet meats; when I looked this up my decision was a definite no to eating it. I really couldn’t believe anyone would want to.

7/ Caviar and Champagne; just the later please. I like my eggs from a chicken, not a fish.

8/ Foie Gras, never had it, don’t want it.

9/ Puddings; I try to avoid processed sugar. I will watch others eat them though.

10/ Cooking times; can you please make sure my meat is cooked before serving it. Granny said, if it’s red that means it’s not cooked. Granny knows best.

11/ There are many things that come from inside an animal; please dispose of them somewhere other than my plate. I know many people enjoy kidneys, liver etc. I’m not in that happy bunch.

12/ I do love a good gravy or sauce, while we are on that subject, please call it gravy or sauce not ‘jus’ or ‘roux’. If you do put any on my plate can you pour a good portion over my meat, not decorate the plate with little dots, draw lines or smear it everywhere.

13/ I would like a nice meat and two veg please. None of this tiny slice of meat balanced on top of a small pile of veg. I want to eat the food not admire it’s balancing skills. In fact I prefer my food ladled onto my plate, not delicately placed with tweezers.

14/ I love ducks; swimming on a pond. Not swimming in gravy on my plate.

Other than the above minor limitations, I will eat absolutely anything. I am really looking forward to the chefs cooking up a treat for us.

On a practical note, our house is not very large. The kitchen isn’t huge. You may want to budget in buying us a bigger house. I’m sure that won’t break your budget, which I assume is large. Perhaps you should include a large garden and swimming pool. That way it will have plenty of room for the outside broadcast trucks and your staff can have a swim while relaxing. Perhaps you should include a double garage and very wide driveway. I don’t want to put ideas in your head, but a stately home might work well?

As you can see from the above, I have covered all the major issues and I am sure you will soon be in touch. I am sure that the 2022 MasterChef is going to be the best ever. Perhaps you could even rename it, MasterChef: The Nevin special.

Yours sincerely

Mike Nevin

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