The New Hoisting Diet

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I have discovered an amazing new diet. But, let’s not rush into my world changing revelation. Let me not spoil the moment. I don’t want to jump the gun and get you all placing orders for my miracle diet before I have even told you about it’s wonders.

But where do I even begin? Well, I was a poor lad, born long ago without a penny to my name… too far back? OK, let’s jump on a bit. The winter was harsh and cold, help just wasn’t in sight… still too long ago? You are a hard bunch to please. Straight to the point it is then. Speaking of which… alright, straight to the point.

Have you ever noticed ‘middle aged spread?’ It’s not a type of margarine. It’s when your middle decides that it wants to spread beyond your waste band. I consider that to be a betrayal of trust. After all, you have nurtured that belly all your life. Kept it hidden and tucked up cosy in a belt. You looked after it, never let it down or said anything bad about it. Then one day, without any notice, it just decides to burst out of your trousers and make an embarrassing show of itself to all and sundry. I wouldn’t mind, but it’s so undignified. It doesn’t even respect the outfit you’re wearing, trousers, shorts, PJ’s, skirt (not me of course), kilt (not me either, slacks (if you’re one of my American readers) or joggers. Whatever you are wearing it overspills them like a waterfall of flubber.

This ‘middle aged spread,’ flab to you and I, after all we can speak straight, can’t we? We can be honest with one another? This fat! Well, it just hangs there, wobbling and generally being silly. Not behaving itself at all.
Today an OT (Occupational Therapist) visited. You didn’t know they did diets; well, they don’t. She was here to bring me a new sling for use with my ceiling hoist. A toileting sling; I will leave it to you to decide what that is for. Mind after I had tried it on, she said, “do you want to use the commode?” That’s a mobile toilet by the way. I said, “not with an audience.” Actually, I only thought that, I was just embarrassed, after all there were three people present. I’m not in the habit of using a toilet in public, even a public convenience. Being disabled is embarrassing, but there are limits.

Back to the sling, it has a Velcro strap around the middle, it goes around your ‘middle aged spread.’ The OT had brought two sizes, medium; I know, I laughed too, and large. Hang on, why did you laugh at medium? Well, the large was tight. But the OT said, “don’t worry, they are always tight, until you are hoisted.” We are coming in fast on the point of my blog now. Get your credit card ready to buy this almost unbelievable diet.

As I was hoisted into the air a miracle occurred. My ‘middle aged spread’ disappeared! Will wonders never cease? Something about being hoisted, gravity, physics, bottoms hanging out of slings; even covered bottoms. Whatever the logic, your belly becomes slim. It’s a wonder diet; instant and reliable. We won’t mention it reappearing on being lowered; let’s gloss over that. There are slight down sides to everything.

So, if you are suffering from ‘middle aged spread’ all you need is a sling and a hoist; hey presto, a slim tummy. Simple, eh? They should package it up as ‘The New Hoisting Diet’. Then in small print, “Only effective while in the hoist.” Aren’t you glad that you stuck it out till the end?

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9 comments

    1. Glad it tickled your funny bone. Slacks are a very old fashioned word. I always enjoy the fact that we say underpants; yet how can they be underpants if we are not wearing pants? It’s like the word ‘side walk’ it makes sense; you walk alongside the road or highway. In England ‘pavemen’t describes the technical upgrade. When they took muddy walkways and paved them. There are lots of other examples.

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      1. Yeah! I like the different words we use (especially regional differences). My grandmother said slacks quite a bit. I’ve heard of pavement being used for sidewalk (thank you to Adele especially for her song chasing pavement). Here I would guess pavement is more of a descriptive word (sometimes noun) to describe the surface of something, if it’s paved or not. But like with all words, it’s a tricky thing that wriggles around and hops around from region to region, culture to culture…until you scratch your head and go “I don’t know how to speak anymore.” 🙂

        My grandmother used to call couches “davenports”, which I always found very special. I sometimes catch myself saying it. Sorry for the War & Peace comment–language fascinates me. Take care.

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      2. Language fascinates me too, I guess that’s what gets us writing eh? Your description of words as hopping and wriggling around from region to region is great; so true.

        The thing that I find most interesting about America is how diverse it is; I guess due to it’s size and history. Our daughter and son-in-law live in Utah. But I know that is so incredibly different to the East Coast. Which in turn is different to say, Florida. Even California, which is relatively close to Utah is a different world. Although they sound the same. As I grew up, watching US movies, I had this simplistic idea that there was such a thing as an American accent or American Culture. I realise now that is just not so. The US really is a group of states that are united but very different in their cultures.

        In the UK, we have massive regional variations of accent and culture, especially if you go between Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England. So I shouldn’t be surprised.

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      3. It is fascinating to think about, isn’t it? I’ve lived in the U.S. all my life and I still don’t quite understand it all–your understanding and description is probably much better than mine. My neighbor growing up was from the south–I didn’t realize it until I was an adult that her accent was Tennessean–I just thought that’s the way she spoke/some older people spoke from her generation.

        If you’ll pardon a few more stories: I moved to a different state as an adult, and some people started pointing out I had an accent; some words they used I had to ask my husband what they met. (For example they said “We’re going to have a carry in” and I thought they were saying we were moving furniture or something—carrying something. No, they met we’re all going to bring in food to share. I was used to a different word. Funny, though!

        I was a bit annoyed by people saying I had an accent (as really, the distance I moved wasn’t that great in the grand scheme of things). But apparently it shows more when I talk fast and now sometimes I hear it when I say certain words and I get this complex where I wonder if I’m faking it, but I don’t honestly think I am. I notice people will do a polite blinking stare with a small smile sometimes when they hear it. So I’ve taken advantage of it sometimes and tell them half truths that they gobble up in their naivety until they figure out I’m pulling their leg, like “Oh yeah, we have polar bears; they raise them tough in “x”; no no you pronounce it this way…” and then pronounce it wrong on purpose. Got to have fun. 🙂

        Last story: when my husband and I bought a house here several years ago, I was talking to our realtor (trying to make a point I think–or get a word in edgewise), he said “Oh man, there’s the “x” in you. It’s hard to understand you guys when you talk so fast, especially on the phone.” I couldn’t believe it and still feel like he was exaggerating, but what do I know? Perspective, I guess.

        I’d love to visit the UK one day and listen to all the voices. My husband’s grandfather was from England. My husband and I watch Vicar of Dibley and Are You Being Served (only scripted television and older, I know) but I really love the Cockney accent I think that Ms. Brahms character has and maybe one of the janitors. I watched a video once that described code words that I think that a certain working class in England developed to use around police generations ago–incredible. I was hooked.

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      4. I never saw myself as having an accent as a child. I’m from London orginally, not cockney though. But we have moved around the UK a lot and that has helped me see that I really do. In some places I feel self consciously posh 🙂 which is silly, because I am not. You may have heard me speak as I have a few videos on my blog site. So you will know the truth of that.
        If you and your husband ever get to come over to England make contact with us. I have contacted you via your site with my email. Maybe we could meet up and show you the North East. Or act as interpreters 🙂

        Your stories are fun. We found travelling around the UK we had similar misunderstandings. In Wales they ask how you are, meaning ‘hello.’ So as you go to answer, they have passed by 🙂
        I listened to your excerpt of reading from your book, you are easy to understand and you don’t speak fast. That realtor was talking nonsense.

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      5. Oh, thank you. I was actually reading purposefully slow and it’s a bit dreadful–first time recording myself on the mic and I laugh at it now. Hoping to make more videos soon though. Practice makes perfect.

        Thanks–that sounds great. 🙂 I’ll try not to make too big a fool out of myself if I ever do go overseas. I already know that Americans tend to get hit by cars (they look the wrong way on roads apparently for oncoming cars) so I’ll have that in my back pocket at least!

        Fascinating story about Wales. That sometimes happens in America, too. I remember my first real job I told the caller on the end “Bye” and they hung up before I got the chance. Apparently saying bye isn’t so common on the phone in a work place? It’s get the information and get off the phone. Who knew.

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      6. I remember when I was first taught to speak publicly, I was told to slow down to a level that feels far too slow to yourseld and that is probably about right. I know that I used to speak far too fast. You did just right. Definitely do more videos.
        My wife, Mary, says a similar thing about our trips to see our daughter in the US, that she might look the wrong way on the road. But she never does. I think that the way roads are laid out naturally gets you to change your habits and you tend to look both ways.

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