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You may not have heard but Amazon are about to release a British update for Alexa. It will have lots of specifically British settings. For a start it will have a new activation name, Alexandra. She will address you as Sir, Madame, Master or Miss, or you can select your own greeting.

An introduction to some of her exciting new features:

If I were to cancel a timer that I had forgotten to set, she will say, “Yes Sir, I have done that for you. Is there anything else I can help you with?” No more embarrassing, “I’m sorry, there are no timers set.”

Or if Mary says, “How long is left on my timer.” And she has forgotten to set one, Alexandra will look around the kitchen to see what’s cooking. Then if there is a chicken in the oven, she will interrogate your oven to see if the chicken is nearly ready and then say, “There is 5 minutes left on your timer Madame. Would you like me to set a timer for your gravy?”

If you forget to set an alarm in the morning and are late for work. Alexandra will directly phone your work and apologise on your behalf. She will say: “I am phoning to apologise for my mistake this morning. I am afraid that I did not wake the Nevin family. So, that Mr Nevin will be late in. I shall endeavour to ensure it does not happen again.” If your boss complains she will say, “I have chatted to my colleague at your house and I believe you were late yourself yesterday. It is so easy to do, isn’t it?”

If the kids are not well, Alexandra will contact the school and request their homework be forwarded to her, spit spot. When they are at home sick, she will sing songs to them and teach them how to enjoy tidying up. But my favourite new feature is the welcome home. As each person walks in, they are personally greeted. My greeting is this: “Good evening, Sir, I do hope you had a good day? She will pass you your slippers, which are ready and warm, your favourite music will be playing and in my case hand you a hot freshly brewed coffee.” What do you mean, living in a fantasy land? Are you suggesting that I don’t go out to work every day or that I can’t walk? You are not saying Alexandra can’t pass me things, I hope? Surely, you can’t be suggesting I am making the whole thing up?

I shall pretend you didn’t say that and end with the sales blurb: “Alexandra is the perfect English butler. She is polite, apologetic and helpful. Always there, silently in the background ready to help. She will make you feel like royalty and bring joy to life. Buy one today at the introductory price of one magic bean.”

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